Archive for the ‘Commentary’ Category

As promised, it has been another 12,000 years since my last update. Whoooops, I’m so NOT sorry because I have this big tree branch called ‘WORK’ digging up my ass, and I just can’t muster up the motivation to give a rat’s ass about anything other than mimosas and borderline sloth relaxation. But I digress… the topic of this post has been on my mind today as I was reconstructing a commercial for a cute little insurance company. This proves just how much I daydream on the job… let’s just be thankful I’m not doing any physical labor on oil rigs or anything, because were that the case, we’d be swimming in my carelessness and colossal mistakes. Whoops again.

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I finally see the light. I now understand what every bitter Jewish grandma said to me as a little girl: “TV ROTS YOUR BRAIN. That’s the one big truth in life. Don’t ever watch it, it’s GARBAGE! Now get me a butterscotch candy from my purse. Never mind, you’re gaining weight. How will you find a husband?!”

HOW WILL YOU FIND A HUSBAND?!?!?!

…Maybe that last part, I don’t think I’ll ever understand (mind you, I was only 7 years old – she was already whoring me out like a Yente). But I really believe those old ladies when it comes to television. It’s not just a generation gap. These days, TV fucking sucks. It’s all rotten garbage that’s causing brain decay.

Let’s cut the shit with ‘Jersey Shore’ – if there’s any career I want to see go up in a ball of flames (besides that of Miley Cyrus and Elizabeth Hasselbeck from The View), it really has to be the career of every single brown person on the “why is this even a show” MTV filler program, Jersey Shore. If I subject myself to watching an entire episode, afterwards I literally feel like a lobotomy patient that needs to be spoon-fed applesauce. This ‘MTV Real World/back-alley Italian neighborhood/Taxi Cab Confessions’ hybrid show is nothing but a big embarrassment to the TV entertainment industry. Not only are we telling our kids that it’s okay to take steroids, tan themselves to cancer, and wear Ed Hardy – but we’re also putting cash in these losers’ skin-tight pockets.

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Salut to all my dear Gleeks and Glee haters (gtfo) alike! Last night was a glorious one, and not just because I slept with all of your mothers – but because the Season 1 finale of FOX’s Glee was more exciting, emotional, and stressful than a menopausal blind woman juggling butcher knives. The only reason I wasn’t on the edge of my seat is because I ate my chair in a fit of emotional distress. (Note: Stress eating kills, ladies and gents.)

We really need to talk, and yes, I’m breaking up with all of you. But first, let’s dissect our Gleemotional Final Episode. These are the 10 things that made this ‘Journey’ finale so awesome and ridiculous:

1. From the get-go, we fly right into Will Schuester/Sue Sylvester conflict after we learn Sue is a judge at Regionals. Mr. Schu goes whining to the annoying, worthless principal while Sue sits back, watches the action, and takes a jab at Will’s hair yet again.

“I have to be honest, Will. I’m having a really difficult time hearing anything you have to say today because… your hair looks like a briar patch. I keep expecting racist animated Disney characters to pop up and start singing songs about living on the Bayou.” – HYSTERICAL.

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Hey guys, sorry I haven’t posted anything as of late. I’ve had a bunch of job and internship interviews for the past two days, so I’ve been swamped – but be proud of me that my summer is actually picking up! I am proud to say that I’m now an intern at BuzzBizz Studios, and I’m really excited to work in the production field – gotta start the dream somewhere, right? Aside from rushing around for work, I’ve been traveling a lot here in the AK. Things should get back down to a reasonable pace soon enough, and I have a few reviews and commentaries coming up, as well as my second chapter for “Mondiale”.

Something else important: THE GLEE FINALE IS TONIGHT. Due to this colossally important event, I am promising to do three things.

1. Pee my pants.
2. Cry for days after it’s over.
3. Write a commentary. So look for it within the next day.

*sigh* Aren’t they just precious… but HEY, where the hell is Santana? She’s too hot to not be in the picture. Reshoot.

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Ra ra ra ah ahhh. Ro ma ro ma maaa. Gaga Ooh la laaa. I haven’t really been in the mood to edit and publish the next chapters of my written series, “Mondiale,” and frankly, it’s because the weather in Alaska has been way too nice. I can’t shut myself off to reality to write another commentary, much less a story, when there is 19 hours of pure sunshine outside, SO! Now that it is nighttime, and it’s kind of muggy out, I’ll throw together a list of cool things. It’s worth looking at and you’ll hopefully appreciate some of the content. If you don’t, GTFO of your house and go do something. Seize your summer! Go build a house for some kids in Guatemala. Go geocaching in Beverly Hills (and by geocaching, I mean break into Orlando Bloom’s house. The kid looks bored, give him something to worry about.) Go start a lemonade stand on the busiest intersection of your city (hilarious). Go ice-blocking on a nearby steep hill. Go snort coke out of a stripper’s cleavage. Go do SOMETHING better than sitting at home. I will be doing all of these things the second I log off, because I’m a Cap’n. And Cap’ns don’t have Summer Break – Summer Break has Cap’n. 

All aboard the ROFL TRAIN.

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It’s an ugly day in Anchorage, people. Rainy, windy, frigid, and muggy weather – my favorite kind, of course – makes for a day of writing! There is a lot on my mind about the alternate universe of the rich and famous, so naturally, you know I’m going to talk about it. Hollywood celebs are dropping faster than Linday Lohan’s pants, these days. Cory Haim, Gary Coleman, Dennis Hopper… and now another Golden Girl? Rue McClanahan got herself a pretty ticket to the Pearly Gates today, bless the woman’s heart – but now 3 of 4 of the Golden Girls are dead. Let me say this now, just to get it out there: I will knock the Grim Reaper right on his ass if he goes anywhere near my Betty White. I will snipe him out in the blink of an eye, then Kendrus will be the famous shadowy hooded figure that people see before they die. Don’t look at her, Mr. Reaper. Don’t even think about her. 

So wonderful.

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Whenever there is a lull in your summer day, don’t fret! I have a few time-wasting hilarious, amazing, buzzworthy YouTube finds for you. Here are just a few of my current favorites. Enjoy!

This is one of the funniest parodies I’ve seen yet. It’s so Laredo.

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