Your Mother Would Like it: Confucius.VS.Kendrucius

Posted: July 8, 2010 in Commentary
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As promised, it has been another 12,000 years since my last update. Whoooops, I’m so NOT sorry because I have this big tree branch called ‘WORK’ digging up my ass, and I just can’t muster up the motivation to give a rat’s ass about anything other than mimosas and borderline sloth relaxation. But I digress… the topic of this post has been on my mind today as I was reconstructing a commercial for a cute little insurance company. This proves just how much I daydream on the job… let’s just be thankful I’m not doing any physical labor on oil rigs or anything, because were that the case, we’d be swimming in my carelessness and colossal mistakes. Whoops again.

So I was thinking about things that are honest, real, raw, and impossible to debate… all those famous proverbs that have pushed us along through the real world, taught us a little something about wisdom, and how to apply it to our circumstances.  All these famous old sayings are great, and everything, but they’re old. I thought I’d take it upon myself to modernize these proverbial words of wisdom, just so everyone is clear on what they mean. I AM KENDRUSCIUS. Enjoy, and may you be enlightened! Kendruscius say:

“You don’t know a good thing till it’s gone” –> You never realize how batshit crazy your ex is until you GTFO.

“You just gotta roll with the punches.” –> If someone is punching your lights out, just curl up into a ball and take the royal beating like a champ. You probably deserve it, anyway.

“The journey of a thousand miles must begin with a single step.” –> A thousand miles, seriously? You better be driving a fucking hybrid.

“A chain is no stronger than its weakest link.” –> If a weakling is dragging down the entire wolf pack, that’s when you kill your fellow lupine-friend for food. Their incompetence must taste delicious.

“Actions speak louder than words.” –> Physical abuse is much more effective than yelling.

“Birds of a feather flock together.” –> Stupid people usually come in groups. Think about it.

“A penny saved is a penny earned.” –> Save up your fucking money or you’ll never get that Xbox, tool.

“Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned.” –> Don’t mess with crazy bitches, because we wouldn’t have TV Shows like “Snapped” without them.

“Don’t bite the hand that feeds you.” –> Don’t piss off your mom, your significant other, your professor, or your drug dealer.

“Starve a fever, feed a cold.” –> There’s nothing a line of coke or an ounce of ganj can’t fix, clearly.

“All good things come to an end.” –> You better enjoy your gadgets, your beer, your money, and your random hookups while you can because one day the entire Earth is going up in a ball of flames LOLZ don’t mean to be a Debbie Downer.

“When in Rome, do as the Romans do.” –> All the cool kids are doing it. (and not wearing Crocs or quoting that stupid ‘Airplanes’ song on their Facebook pages)

“Time flies when you’re having fun.” –> How inconvenient that when you spend a weekend in Vegas, you never have enough time to do everything and it only feels like a day… whereas a 9-5 workday feels like you’ve been rotting away in your crypt for a century.

“All’s fair in love and war.” –> Steal from the drunk and give to the sober. It’s a good gesture, seriously.

“What goes up, must come down.” –> Boners don’t last forever.

“There’s more than one way to skin a cat.” –> Hi, I’m a sick bastard who enjoys skinning domestic animals.

“People who live in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones.” –> Don’t make fun of people if you’re ugly, poor, fat, stupid, Mormon, or a Republican.

“A woman’s work is never done.” –> Men are dumbasses who would probably starve to death if women weren’t so damn good at making sandwiches.

“There’s no place like home.” –> You will never find people as dysfunctional, bitterly rude, judgmental, or critical than the ones in your own family.

“Boys will be boys.” –> Boys will be retarded.

I’m sure I will come up with more someday soon, in which I will be posting a Part Deux. Thank baby Jesus I’ve had time to actually relax today. I seriously can’t wait to go back to college. “Good things come to those who wait” –> Shut your mouth, not they don’t.

Until next time, my lovers… another 6 billion years, or so.

Love you long time,



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