Your Mother Would Like It: Cynical Tidbits of June

Posted: June 24, 2010 in Uncategorized
Tags: , , , , , , , , , , ,

LOLLLLL hold on. Wait. I don’t know why the font is so small… thank Oprah for zoom. Before you form an angry mob and start running towards my house with flaming torches, pitchforks, and rakes (lolz), I would like to plead my case. There is a reason why I haven’t written anything in about six thousand years… and it’s not because I’ve been consumed in the World Cup (I hate sports, men, and large crowds in general – so you know I’m not lying), or that I’ve been ‘giving back to my community’ or whatever the shit that is…

There is this thing called ‘work’, and after discovering it this past month, I do have my qualms. Despite the cozy atmosphere, and the fact that I have the coolest starters internship in Anchorage – I must say that I am less than enthusiastic about waking up every morning at 6:00 only to go work out at the gym while still asleep, and then go to the studio where I am literally just wingin’ it. It’s a cool concept, but I’ve never been one for routines. I’m not 90 years old yet. I’ve got a lifetime of irresponsibility and hazardous spontaneity ahead of me. Yes, it’s great that I get to do what I love for the summer – which is writing, editing video, drinking tea, auditioning people, and dicking around on the internet – but just know that this is the reason why my posts have been slow. Though I am now a part of the corporate world (kind of.), I have still been paying lots of attention to my first love, Pop Culture. Let’s take a look at the things that were fascinating, annoying, and downright awkward in the month of June 2010. Hey, Ho, Let’s GO!

1. Here is where I get my major points in Vagina-Cred: I HATE SPORTS. I don’t see how they’re so special nor do I get the appeal. If you try to explain this appeal to me, I will disregard your plea and still think you are full of shit. I hate Bro-Fests as much as the next girl, but whenever there is a big game of some sort (Super Bowl, Playoffs, World Cup, anything that is played in Hooters), it’s like every single chest-bumping, beer-pounding, sweaty sausage in the world comes together to tag-team torture me and make my life miserable. There is nothing more barbaric to me than a bunch of meat heads shouting and high-fiving each other just because some bro put a ball in a hole, basket, or net. I’d love to see their reactions when they take a dump. “The shit has landed, I REPEAT, THE SHIT HAS LANDED IN THE BOWL. TWO POINT FOR THE BRO-TEAM WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!” – excuse the graphics, but seriously, that is my point… The stupid sports addiction: one of the many reasons I can’t stand men. Also, I feel like the dumbest bitch in the world for not inventing Golf. Had I known that hitting a rock into some hole in the ground could make me a Tiger Woods icon, I would have ditched my dreams, hit a couple balls, won some trophies, and cheated on my wife with strippers. Onto my next point… I do not and will not ever understand why athletes get paid more than those who play more influential roles in society – like teachers, carpenters, birthday clowns, and tranny strippers. I already had a violently agitated, disgusted, and disinterested view of all sports that weren’t boxing, volleyball, or synchronized swimming. If you’re getting paid millions of dollars to wear a certain color and play with balls… well… I wont say anything more about that. Just know that the sexual innuendo was very much intentional. I just don’t understand the glitz and excitement of the World Cup – and I enjoy watching paint dry. The Vuvuzelas sound like a Cthulhu mating call… one reason to put the TV on mute. I just think the World Cup gets more hype than it deserves. If they’re not natives, half the people rooting for the countries know nothing about soccer OR the country – they just visited there and liked it, or had a one night stand with a hottie from that country. I know that’s why I root for Italy… and Brasil… and England… but anyway! Of course, there is the wonderful sense of camradery when everybody cheers for their country and bashes New Zealand for being a cute bundlefuck of failure, but what’s so great if Team USA wins? We steal a pretty trophy from Italy and get bragging rights, but LOLZ we still have a huge disaster in the Gulf, our economy is tanking, and Sarah Palin is getting her own TV show. Moral of Story: The World Cup bullshit wont save us from the Apocalypse.

I am Beautiful... no matter what you say. Words. Can't. Bring. Me. DOWN.

2. Lady Gaga’s music video for her new single, ‘Alejandro’, premiered this month, and I haven’t been that uncomfortable or turned on since Sue Sylvester’s ‘VOGUE’ cover video on Glee. The ‘Alejandro’ video actually turned the song in a more interesting direction and gave a sexy, raw edge to an otherwise sing-songy Britney-esque tune. Gaga made some daring moves in content and fashion to shock the public, and of course, to see what she could get away with. I say, if it pisses people off and makes them uneasy, her mission was accomplished! I’ve heard whining from all types of people – but predominantly the annoying types (i.e. over-protective PTA moms, Bill O’Reilly, self-proclaimed ‘music and film snobs’ who have a false sense of pretense and shitty taste in music, Katy Perry, and pretty much every conservative, khaki pants-wearing Christian parent in the world). Yes, the song may be very cutesy electro-pop and the lyrics may not fully make sense, but this video was very well-done in several dynamics. You can complain all day long that it’s not your screamo jams with annoying guitar riffs, or a CRuNk B3At FrUm THa $tR33Tz – but at the end of the day, you’re wrong, and Lady Gaga is laughing all the way to the bank. So what if she painted an upside-down cross over her lady parts? So what if she pounded into some dude’s behind while she channeled gender-bender and he was chained to a prison bed? So what if she uses controversial imagery from aspects of religion, the military, different races, and sexuality? That’s the whole point – to raise a few eyebrows, to be provocative, to create new art, and to hit people in the face with a certain message instead of being subtle and letting it go under the radar. Let’s stop being dramatic and just accept the fact that you’re an idiot if you challenge this video’s merit; I would love to see you make a better video. If (and when) you can’t, you must parade around the town with a machine-gun bra and marinate in the sad truth that in said bra, she looked hot, and you just look like a pathetic tool. There is no denying that Lady Gaga is a talented, innovative, smart, and entertaining woman – and she will always be richer than you… Gaga-Haters, you’ve no leg to stand on, so quit being a bunch of goons. Moral of Story: The video wasn’t a huge, scandalous deal like everyone made it out to be. I’ve seen scarier things. Kate Gosselin on Dancing With The Stars, for one. That shit was something to riot about. Also, Heidi Montag’s boob job.


You decide for yourself:

3. No more Glee for another season… damn it all.

4. Celebrity Blogger and bona fide dumbass Perez Hilton, being his normal classy self, decided to post some ‘flashy’ pictures online of Miley Cyrus… and that didn’t go over well. Now there is mass chaos because of the shocking news that Miley Cyrus has a vagina. I thought girls didn’t grow those until they were married! WHAT THE HELL, PEREZ. It’s not like Miley hasn’t already been barraged by bad press. She performed her new excruciating single “Can’t be Tamed” on a British TV show and pantomimed making out with one of her female dancers – and every adult in America went ballistic over the hyper-sexed sapphic gesture. I didn’t find it sexy at all, and I’m an easy trigger — it honestly looked more like she was one of those dementors from Harry Potter. Shit was hilarious. Anyway, she took the no-panties mishap like a champ and made public statements that she didn’t need to ‘dehumanize herself’ by dressing properly for photographers, and all that ‘good press, self-redemption’ nonsense. She already took embarrassing skanky MySpace photos of herself that leaked to the public. I don’t see how avoiding flashing your clam makes you a robot. Moral of Story: Apparently it does make you a robot… Always wear undies, dear readers – because fat-faced gay quasi-celebrities will be getting upskirt shots like there’s no tomorrow. That’s how you get famous.

L0Lz I CanT b3 TAaAm3D!!!11!1!

5. SOLSTICE FEST. Alaska, my dearest land of the midnight sun – you never disappoint! Twenty-plus hours of broad daylight, wine tasting, experiencing raw nature, and endless mimosas… I couldn’t ask for more. I also met Audrina Partridge and got a nice awkward little photo with her. Yeah. she’s that one girl from The Hills – the show I hate more than anything. But she’s hot, so it was okay. Plus, I was wearing my Zeta Chi jersey! That’s just a little bit of inside nostalgia… I miss my girls. But the ZX jerseys have been famous lately! One of them appeared on E! when my friend, Chelsea, did a contest. Delightful. Anyhow… those of you who know me, know very well how my Summer Solstice went…. HAHA. Fantastically! Let’s just stick to that story. Moral of Story: Wine tasting is fine. But when you’re tasting wine all day, then shit gets real.

She has ceiling eyes... but I was looking nowhere near her face. I was clearly looking at her personality. Or something.

Until next time, my dears… which may be in another twelve-thousand years.

Au Revoir, Kendrus


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