I finally see the light. I now understand what every bitter Jewish grandma said to me as a little girl: “TV ROTS YOUR BRAIN. That’s the one big truth in life. Don’t ever watch it, it’s GARBAGE! Now get me a butterscotch candy from my purse. Never mind, you’re gaining weight. How will you find a husband?!”

HOW WILL YOU FIND A HUSBAND?!?!?!

…Maybe that last part, I don’t think I’ll ever understand (mind you, I was only 7 years old – she was already whoring me out like a Yente). But I really believe those old ladies when it comes to television. It’s not just a generation gap. These days, TV fucking sucks. It’s all rotten garbage that’s causing brain decay.

Let’s cut the shit with ‘Jersey Shore’ – if there’s any career I want to see go up in a ball of flames (besides that of Miley Cyrus and Elizabeth Hasselbeck from The View), it really has to be the career of every single brown person on the “why is this even a show” MTV filler program, Jersey Shore. If I subject myself to watching an entire episode, afterwards I literally feel like a lobotomy patient that needs to be spoon-fed applesauce. This ‘MTV Real World/back-alley Italian neighborhood/Taxi Cab Confessions’ hybrid show is nothing but a big embarrassment to the TV entertainment industry. Not only are we telling our kids that it’s okay to take steroids, tan themselves to cancer, and wear Ed Hardy – but we’re also putting cash in these losers’ skin-tight pockets.

The network has now appropriately changed the show name to 'Douche Island'.

Snooki and ‘The Situation’ were even presenters at the CMT Country Music Awards Ceremony… YEAH, I KNOW. I don’t get it either. I have three questions regarding this huge mistake:

1. Where did these people get the idea that Snooki and ‘The Situation’ knew anything about Country music? They don’t even like Country! If they can’t fist-pump or strip to it, then they are fucking clueless and have never heard of this bumpkin hodown shit in their lives.

2. Hey, CMT… they’re from Jersey Shore. This means they have the intelligent capabilities of the lower life forms, such as fruit flies or plants. (goldfish > fruit flies > Snooki > plantlife) Those two JS idiots probably aren’t even aware that Texas, Tennessee, and Oklahoma are states. I don’t think Snooki has real eyebrows. I actually think she’s a brown garden gnome who stores lip gloss and dinner rolls in her hair bump, to be really honest. The Situation doesn’t even know how to spell ‘Country’. The two probably thought CMT stood for Celebrity Manscaping & Tanning.

3. Those two, of all people? Really? Was Milli Vanilli not available?

They took up a lot of stage time. Carrie Underwood was not amused. Annoyed Carrie was annoyed.

There are so many different ways I could say “What the fuck were you thinking?” – but you get the point. I’m just flabbergasted by how lame and desperate the entertainment industry has gotten these days. MTV should have been sacked a long time ago, let’s face it. There hasn’t been a single daytime music video on that “MUSIC TV” network since 2003 – and just barely. I guess one of the higher-ups decided the network’s musical image just wasn’t cutting it, and changed it from Music to Mongoloid TV network without telling the rest of us.

This bronze bedazzled moron exhibition is probably the dumbest show of all time (rivaled by Gossip Girl, The Hills, The Joy Behar Show, and Hannah Montana), and we still waste our precious time watching it? The only things Jersey Shore has graced America with, besides shame and STDs, are a couple of douchey frat mixer themes, scary Halloween costume ideas, and easy drinking games where you are blackout wasted, guaranteed:

  1. Drink every time someone uses the word ‘Guido’ or ‘Guidette’.
  2. Drink every time someone is shirtless.
  3. Drink every time someone fist-pumps.
  4. Drink every time Snooki is a stupid bitch.
  5. Drink every time someone is wearing Ed Hardy.
  6. Drink every time Mike calls himself ‘The Situation’.
  7. Drink every time Pauly D looks like Sonic the Hedgehog.
  8. Drink every time you feel sorry for America.
  9. Drink every time you want to change the channel.
  10. Drink until this show is good.

Nobody truly wants to see these low-trash oompa loompas make careers out of being professional douchebags. Really – if it’s that easy, I swear to God I’m going to live at the gym, paint my entire body orange, flash some ‘punani’ every now and then, and I will invest in some bump-its. If I have to look like a ghetto gypsy, SO BE IT. I want to be famous, God damn it, and if this is the ancient secret, then sign me up.

That'll be me in a couple years, ladies. JUST YOU WAIT.

Just kidding. I’d much rather rot away as an unknown bitter woman in a tiny shack with my 94 cats. I don’t want to be famous that badly.

There is a point to all of this… I’m not just spewing my normal, every-day aggression (but don’t you just love it?). I wholeheartedly agree that there are some genuinely great shows out there. Six Feet Under, Grey’s Anatomy, The L Word, Weeds, and even shows like Seinfeld, King of Queens, How I Met Your Mother, and Glee all have incredible talent behind them; they are staffed with excellently witty writers, considerate directors, and exceedingly great, versatile actors. These are the shows that deserve their ratings and are really content-conscious and loyal to their audiences; there is certainly something to be said for the high level of intellect that is fueled into these programs.

With shows like The Hills, Gossip Girl, and Jersey Shore, it’s no wonder we have so many spoiled, skanky, shit-for-brains kids in this country. I’ve seen gaggles of 12-year-old girls who look like a bunch of Bratz Dolls snorted Miracle-Gro. It’s embarrassing. The logical person in me wants to throw a phonebook at the back of their heads really hard so they could see the names of all the people who are judging and criticizing them. Sadly, I can’t change the world. But I sure can hate the hell out of it.

Ah, yes. Back to my point. There are some great shows out there – and this is the only motivating factor for me in following my career path as a screenwriter. So, this is me doing my part to promote good TV by saying STOP WATCHING JERSEY FUCKING SHORE. Stop engaging yourselves with the shitty storyline of Gossip Girl, and go watch something that wont melt your brain cells. We all need a couple of diffferent types of programs to keep things interesting. I know everybody and their dog watches Glee and Grey’s, so I’m not going to suggest the obvious ones. Here are my three current picks for worthy watching. Check them out on Hulu, iTunes, MegaVideo, or your TV if you get the chance:

1. ‘Ruby‘ on MyStyle network for your reality fix. This is probably my favorite, as well as one of the more underrated shows on TV – and that’s quite a shame considering the fact that Ruby is one of the only shows that actually gives reality TV any merit. This show takes you along the weight loss journey of a morbidly obese woman named Ruby Gettinger. This Savannah, Georgia native’s body weight once peaked at a shocking 716 pounds, but as cameras have followed her weight loss and lifestyle change, she has now gotten herself down to just below 350 pounds (she strives to lose another 300 to get down to a healthy size). Alongside the fact that Ruby has had to consult nutritionists, personal trainers, and compulsive eating disorder support groups – the audience also gets to take front row seat to her psychological and emotional exploration to repair her self-inflicted disease. This is a really informative and inspirational story of a beautiful, witty, kind-hearted woman who struggles and persists to save herself from her past. Fuzzy feelings aside – Ruby is also quirky and hilarious. She’s a cute, sweet-as-can-be Georgia peach with a flirty personality and unexpected sarcastic wit. This lady is here to change people’s lives. Definitely check this show out – it’s worth watching, and it could teach you a thing or two.

2. ‘Curb Your Enthusiasm’ on HBO for your comedy fix. If you’re into awkward, cynical humor and you enjoy random celebrity cameos – you’ll find yourself lost in this show. Larry David, protagonist, co-creator, and Seinfeld writer, could not be more of an old schmo, but this Eeyore-esque Jew will have you cringing with delight and laughing your ass off. He’s basically a huge jerk, he can’t handle himself in awkward situations, and bad things always happen to him. Ted Danson and Wanda Sykes, both very funny personalities, make recurring appearances in this dark comedy. I highly recommend this show if you watch Seinfeld, The Office, or enjoyed the film Snatch.

3. ‘The L Word’ on Showtime network for your drama fix. I am not plugging this show on my site just to spew “Yay Gay!” propaganda all over the place (or am I?), but let’s get down to the facts: Whether it’s about sexy, high-class West Hollywood lesbians or not – this show has a truly fantastic team of writers behind it such as ‘L Word’ creator, Ilene Chiaken (Dirty Pictures), Guinivere Turner (American Psycho, Go Fish, and BloodRayne), and Rose Troche (Six Feet Under, South of Nowhere, Ugly Betty, Law & Order). I wouldn’t waste so much space giving them credit if I didn’t truly think that they are some of the best, most underrated screenwriters out there. As a writer, I admire the hell out of the talent these ladies are packing. Watch one episode of The L Word, whether you’re gay or not, and you will be hooked by the storyline. The show finally closed after 6 crazy seasons, but it’s still one of the greats in terms of overall entertainment and talent. The dialogue is witty, realistic, and intelligent, and the story is so well-constructed, it could unravel forever. Ilene Chaiken is a creative goddess, and this sad world would be filled with more straight girls without a daring, exploratory show like “The L Word”. Another cool tidbit – Jane Lynch (Sue Sylvester from Glee) plays a razor sharp lesbian lawyer in this show. Suck on that, America. Showtime also decided to make a reality spinoff of the show called The Real L Word by documenting the lives of 6 lesbian California natives. This should be interesting, but Chaiken never disappoints.

So, that’s the word vomit of today. Stop watching crap on TV, let’s give more attention to genuinely good entertainment out there, and let’s launch Snooki in outer space and accidentally forget how to bring her back. Wo0pZ!!1!!1!

Ferociously,

Kendrus

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Comments
  1. Mimzy says:

    I love your caustically sharp and always hilarious witticisms! I think I know the 12 ish year old girls you speak of, they stalk malls in skanky tops and way too much make-up hoping to be noticed by “real” men. I call these girls ProstiTOTS…might I suggest you add this to your social jargon? Love you Kendra!

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