Your Mother Would Like It: I Gleed my Pants.

Posted: June 9, 2010 in Commentary
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Salut to all my dear Gleeks and Glee haters (gtfo) alike! Last night was a glorious one, and not just because I slept with all of your mothers – but because the Season 1 finale of FOX’s Glee was more exciting, emotional, and stressful than a menopausal blind woman juggling butcher knives. The only reason I wasn’t on the edge of my seat is because I ate my chair in a fit of emotional distress. (Note: Stress eating kills, ladies and gents.)

We really need to talk, and yes, I’m breaking up with all of you. But first, let’s dissect our Gleemotional Final Episode. These are the 10 things that made this ‘Journey’ finale so awesome and ridiculous:

1. From the get-go, we fly right into Will Schuester/Sue Sylvester conflict after we learn Sue is a judge at Regionals. Mr. Schu goes whining to the annoying, worthless principal while Sue sits back, watches the action, and takes a jab at Will’s hair yet again.

“I have to be honest, Will. I’m having a really difficult time hearing anything you have to say today because… your hair looks like a briar patch. I keep expecting racist animated Disney characters to pop up and start singing songs about living on the Bayou.” – HYSTERICAL.

2. In what universe is a boyish grin accompanied by “I got it. Trust me.” a good method of birth control? As we’re taken back into Quinn’s memory of her regretful babymaking session with Puck, we learn that these two secret lovers are bona fide stupid-asses for thinking a couple of wine coolers and fake Jedi mind powers could prevent Quinn’s eggs from being fertilized. 

"I got it. Trust me." - PREGGO


3. When we snap back to reality with balloon-gut Quinn standing in Mr. Schu’s kitchen, we are then led into the depressing Glee Club pizza party where I am literally expecting a mass-suicide. Pass the Koolaid. Anyhow, Tina is (always) the first one to start crying, as she goes on to say how much she loves everybody and that she only had two Facebook friends – her parents – before she joined Glee. At this point, I start crying solely because my parents blocked me on Facebook. Ouch. My tears were immediately halted after I burst out laughing at Rachel’s sappy suggestion to have ‘circle time’ and talk about their feelings. Then everybody boarded the Melodrama Train headed for unrealistic conversation and cheesy background music. Despite the fact that this scene was caking on the fuzzy feelings, I still was touched more than an altar boy at a Catholic church. How sweet. Oh, and Rachel totally kissed Finn in the hallway at school. That shit was cute. Mr. Schu breaking down crying in his ugly car was not.

4. Next day at Glee rehearsal (which seems to be all the time… don’t they have class?), Mr. Schu has an idea to get everyone excited about regionals. He puts it plainly by scribbling it on the white board with his third grade handwriting – J0URnEY. Once we’re at the regionals event, we’re introduced to our judges – Josh Groban, Olivia Newton John, that one kinky bisexual newscaster guy, and of course, Sue Sylvester – “fresh off her fifth consecutive national cheerleading title and author of the soon-to-be-published memoir, I’m a Winner and You’re Fat”  <— I love this woman.

5. Regionals begin. The first performance by Oral Intensity (wtf?) is unimportant. Once New Directions is backstage and getting ready to perform, Finn tells Rachel he loves her while every 13-year-old girl in America squeals with delight. They start off by singing Journey’s “Faithfully” and it sounds AMAZING. There’s this awkward sexual tension between Finn and Rachel as they’re singing their duet, to the point where I think they’re about to make out in front of everybody – but they pull it together while the rest of the group chimes in for the chorus. Not only did I get goosebumps, but I’m sure this is the part where I realized that Lea Michele (Rachel) is capable of hitting notes that only dogs and dolphins can appreciate. She is a freak of nature who was born with an extra pair of vocal chords, or something. On a different vein, does anybody else notice how dramatic the Asian guy sings? AWKWARD.

6. “Any Way You Want It” and “Lovin’ Touchin’ Squeezin'” are both tame and enjoyable, but the final version of “Don’t Stop Believin'” is EXCELLENT. I was excited to see that more people other than Finn and Rachel got to sing, namely Santana (Dayum!), and it turned out fantastically. Thennn there’s the ultimate buzz kill when we see Vocal Adrenaline perform “Bohemian Rhapsody”. This song is progressing wonderfully and my bitter, sleazy hatred for frontman Jesse St. James turns into an odd, unexplainable sexual attraction as he takes on Freddie Mercury. Apart from the fact that all the Vocal Adrenaline performers are dancing like they’ve been zapped with a cattle prod, there was no denying the pure awesomeness of this song.

7. Meanwhile, Quinn’s mother goes backstage to surprise her daughter with a “L0Lz just kidding you aren’t kicked out! Your dad cheated on me so now I have nowhere to go. How convenient!” routine. Quinn’s water breaks and she is rushed to the hospital with the help of her fellow Glee clubbers, leaving me to wonder how many cars they took. There is an awkward montage of “Bohemian Rhapsody” madness and the birthing process. I couldn’t take the juxtaposition seriously, as I was expecting the birth of “Beth” (seriously?) to be more serious and emotional. Nope… just a whole lot of Quinn telling Puck that he sucks and screaming “let me go!” in unison with Queen. Weird. Also – where did everyone in the audience get those glow sticks?

8. I totally cried when Quinn finally got to hold her baby. That was amazing. Long story short, Sue Sylvester is bullied by the other judges and New Directions doesn’t even place at regionals. Everyone is deflated when they get the “thanks for trying” trophy that looked more like a State Fair ‘Best Pecan Pie’ award. The club is disbanded, and they sing Mr. Schu a rendition of “To Sir, With Love” to bid their final farewell as New Directions; everybody is crying and singing and GOD DAMN IT, it made me weep more than The fucking Notebook. In the background, AHA! We see that Sue Sylvester is not only eaves-dropping, but that she actually has at least a tinge of compassion in the black hole where her heart should be.”To Sir, With Love” is probably one of the best group songs the Glee cast has ever done, hands down.

9. GLEE CLUB GETS ANOTHER YEAR! Sue Sylvester in all her tracksuit glory pulls some higher strings in the style of more sexual blackmail, and gets all fuzzy on Mr. Schu by telling him how she admires his teaching and wants him to stay another year. Will reciprocates the love, and Sue says she’s about to puke in his mouth. That was the cherry on top. Mr. Schu breaks the wonderful news to the club and everybody is ecstatic and hugging – even Kurt and Quinn. CUTESIES.

10. Schu plays the ukulele? …Okay. A final cute song dedication with Israel Kamakowiwo’ole’s version of “Somewhere Over the Rainbow” by Schu and Puck. Everyone is in love and holding hands, birds are chirping, the silver lining has turned into a full-fledged rainbow, and all is right in the world. Rachel’s birth mother seizes her last opportunity to be a real mom by adopting baby Beth (cutest shit ever), and I finally realize that William Schuester’s grin is exactly like that of the old school Joker from Batman.

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I have no idea why the cast and Puck’s face make another appearance here… bear with me.

Boom! Glee Season 1 is over. FOX just signed the show up for a third season, and second season hasn’t even begun yet! With superior ratings from the toughest of critics and millions of viewers, the statistics don’t lie. I don’t even want to talk about my expectations for Seasaon 2, because that could literally be a whole new post by itself. I will be satisfied with just about anything at this point, except for removing any characters. THIS ISN’T LOST. DON’T KILL OFF RACHEL AND MAKE THIS A MURDER MYSTERY SAGA. I love this show to an unhealthy degree. I can’t wait for the new episodes to come. In the mean time, I will be jamming out to the songs on repeat while obsessively rewatching every single episode and living vicariously through these 25-year-old-looking 16 year olds. Siiiiigh. 🙂

Love you long time,



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