Your Mother Would Like It: Downtown Goblins

Posted: June 5, 2010 in Uncategorized
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Mmmm Spankorage, Alaska. Let me just start off by saying that today was the best Saturday ever. Yes, I woke up at the ass-crack of dawn for a 40 minute drive from Anchorage to Eagle River for breakfast, but it was all gravy from that point on. We’re right in the middle of the damn wilderness – practically driving into the rainforest mountainfuck of greenery that is Alaska – so it’s a beautiful drive. I hate nature – but Alaskan nature is stunning. Sure, the mosquitos are the size of birds and there is the occasional uncomfortable cool draft on a sunny day, but this place actually makes me appreciate nature. Get a load of this.  

Yeah. I'm one of the mountain people.


 Anyhoo, one omelette and 500 pounds later, I remember it’s Saturday – and Saturday not only means ghetto slack-off day in Anchorage, but it also means DOWNTOWN SATURDAY MARKET. That’s right, folks… this is the weekly summer swarm of every bored, hungry person (both tourists and Alaskans alike) within respectable parameters of downtown Anchorage. It’s more crowded than a Japanese train and there are enough funnel cakes to feed every starving child in Africa – but we’re selfish around here, so we just keep powdery, battery goodness for ourselves. And there are a lot of us. Granted, I don’t typically identify with this “us” – the typical Saturday Market goer – as I have disassociated myself from all five types. These, my dear readers, are the Downtown Goblins of the Saturday Market:  

1. THE TOURIST GOBLIN: Typically caucasian families or elderly couples with matching sweatshirts that say ALASKA in an unattractive, obese font – may also be seen sporting embarrassing sun hats, fanny packs, and small children on leashes. They are drawn in by the Alaskan knickknacks like Athabaskan parkas, authentic professional wood-carvings, Eskimo jewelry, and moose-poopers  (probably the funniest video ever – but seriously, those products make crazy money. People will buy anything these days.)  

2. THE MIDDLE SCHOOL GOBLIN FLOCK: Large, young group of friends who aimlessly meander the market grounds with too much makeup, loser boyfriends, and no money. They are most likely wearing the same thing, such as trendy plaid overshirts or North Face jackets. Generally have nothing better to do because, well, they’re in middle school. It’s the AK summer version of the awkward mall-hangout; the posse literally walks in circles around the place, hoping to be seen by as many people as possible.  

3. THE GRANOLA GOBLIN: Gentle, nature-loving folk who actually like living in Alaska. They can be spotted wearing hiking gear, no makeup, Birkenstock sandals (mandals for the gents), and Rastas. Among the items purchased by these friendly tree-huggers are fresh blackberries from the farming section, wool socks and wool lingerie from Woolie’s, and obscure local artwork.  

4. THE PODUNK VALLEY-TRASH HILLBILLY GOBLIN: Not all people from the Matanuska-Susitna Valley are trashy, lest you think I am generalizing. Regretfully, every town has its hicks. These are some of those people – I don’t even have to go into detail about how they dress, act, and speak. If you’re from Texas, imagine the hillbillies there, but with Sarah Palin accents – which has been said to be a hybrid of the Great Lakes accent (Wisconsin, Minnesota, etc.) and the most annoying sound in the world. C’mon y’all, after we dun finish them corn on the cobs, let’s go roll a tire across the lawn! Christ almighty, make it stop.  

5. THE ‘BORED TO DEATH’ ALASKAN GOBLIN: Already hiked Flattop Mountain, already been to Kaladi Brothers Coffee every day this week, went to the movies, had lunch at the Irish Pub, visited every park in town, already drove to Kenai and back… It’s summer and there’s literally nothing else to do in the daytime.  

Ohhhhh wait. Yeah, I am definitely that last one. I’ve nothing else to do. So, yeah, I take it back. I’m included in “us”. I am a part of the Market Goblins… OH! See what I did there? Goblin Market? Anybody? You’re welcome, Christina Rossetti. *snap*  

Alaskan themed signs are cute when you're not from here. They're annoying when you're a local. "I need to use the Polar Port-a-Potty, then we can get a Midnight-Sun Mocha HAHA THAT'S SO CLEVER!" Go fuck yourself.

So, after roaming about, I had a bunch of really cool finds that I ended up buying. Among these local trinkets, my favorites were the clothes I bought from Octupus Ink Gallery. These original designs of Alaska wildlife (as well as random prints and objects) by Shara Dorris are eco-friendly and individually printed with interesting color schemes. The clothes are really cool, so check out her site in the above link! Who wouldn’t want a shirt with an awkward octopus on it? Or a puffin print hat? Or a random bicycle on the back of some yoga pants? The cool part about Shara’s business is that she also does out-of-state shipping! So if you’re one of those yuppies who shops for clothes online, I highly recommend you check out her clothing line. Let’s segue into another thing I want to talk about.  

THIS HAT. They charged me a whole dollar to take a photo with a dead fox on my head. What kind of state do I live in? Oh, right, the kind that sells wolf faces. I kid you not. Actual wolf faces.

Yes, Alaska is one of the fur capitals of the world – and we all really know that’s a euphemistic title to something more along the lines of “Alaska makes a highly profitable industry out of clubbing baby animals to death” – but I digress… Alaska is one of the only places I know of in America where you will walk in a market and see a basket full of assorted color fox faces for sale. WEIRD. I know, it’s wrong. Some of my friends practically nailed my ass to a cross for making the above photo my profile picture on Facebook, while jokingly titling it “my PETA picture”. Eh, so maybe my sense of humor offends the activists… what else is new? So I was wearing a fox body on my head! Do something about it, throw some paint on me, or… I don’t even know where this is going. But I wore a dead animal on my head, then ran into my ex. True story, ladies and gents. Fox hat and everything considered, I wasn’t even the one who looked ridiculous. Yeah, let’s just say she didn’t look so hot. The only thing that could perhaps enhance her timeless beauty would be a burka. But she isn’t the first, nor that last “WTF were you thinking” ex-girlfriend I’ve had – and I’m sure you all can relate. Let’s just take this one for the lolz. In the grand scheme of things, TGIS and TGFAFH- Thank God I’m Single, and Thank God For Awkward Fox Hats.  

Hilarious awkward moment aside – let’s get back to the Market! Actually… not much else to say. I bought a lot of fresh fruit from the farmers market (these oranges and peaches are TO DIE FOR), a couple of shirts, and that’s basically it. I may go back next Saturday for another look-see. After the market closed, I went to grab a couple delicious Cappuccinos with my Mom at Cafe Del Mundo on East Benson Blvd. We ended up buying a rude cat coffee mug (are the God’s smiling upon me, or what? that is SO my thing) and some incredibly smooth and delicious Kona coffee beans for our morning coffee! Go to if you’re interested in buying some of their coffee – it’s good stuff!  

I love cats that value monogamy and getting liquored up. Also, Kona coffee is a FABULOUS morning blend - try the Kona beans if you should ever come across any at a local coffee shop! Ignore the avocados in the background.

So, that was my Saturday, in a nutshell. If you ever find yourself up here in the icy north, go see our famous Saturday Market for yourselves. It’s a good time. Right now, Bringin’ Down The House is playing on Oxygen and I just can’t turn down a Queen Latifah/Steve Martin combo. That movie is FUNNY and a must-see, if you haven’t watched it already. You’ve got to believe me if you’re going to believe anybody, because I don’t think anything is funny. Fact. And with that… I take my leave. Happy Sunday, everybody! Go get some cheap breakfast and quality time with the man upstairs (either God or the actual man upstairs in your house), if that’s what you’re into!  



  1. Cody Brehm says:

    I admit that killing animals for fur coats and random-ass rugs and stuff is cruel but some places in the world use animal fur for things they actually need! When my family and I lived in Norway, we took a trip above the arctic circle and my mom bought some seal-skin boots for the trip because she has to keep her feet oober warm cause it’s really easy for her feet to become frostbitten. They were pretty awesome looking, insanely warm boots so they did the trick. A ton of people in Norway have them and wear them though, even when it’s not super cold or snowing. I usually like to pretend that all the fox hats and bear rugs I see are fake or that the animal was hurting so bad that they needed to kill it to put it out of its misery 🙂 I love your blog Kendra!! 😀 It makes me laugh 🙂 You are an amazing writer!! 🙂 Thanks for making my day with the description of the market-goblins 😀 I might be going on a cruise up to Alaska with my boyfriend and his family at the end of the summer so I am looking forward to being a tourist goblin myself 🙂 Hope you’re having a great summer!! 🙂

  2. Kendrus says:

    Thanks so much for your comment, Cody! It makes me happy that you follow my site and actually read this stuff 🙂 haha. i didn’t know you used to live in Norway – so you definitely know what it’s like to live in the cold where people do weird shit. I hope you make it up to AK one day soon, so you can experience the strange people for yourself 🙂 My summer is excellent, I hope yours is as well! Thanks for reading, girl!

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