It’s an ugly day in Anchorage, people. Rainy, windy, frigid, and muggy weather – my favorite kind, of course – makes for a day of writing! There is a lot on my mind about the alternate universe of the rich and famous, so naturally, you know I’m going to talk about it. Hollywood celebs are dropping faster than Linday Lohan’s pants, these days. Cory Haim, Gary Coleman, Dennis Hopper… and now another Golden Girl? Rue McClanahan got herself a pretty ticket to the Pearly Gates today, bless the woman’s heart – but now 3 of 4 of the Golden Girls are dead. Let me say this now, just to get it out there: I will knock the Grim Reaper right on his ass if he goes anywhere near my Betty White. I will snipe him out in the blink of an eye, then Kendrus will be the famous shadowy hooded figure that people see before they die. Don’t look at her, Mr. Reaper. Don’t even think about her. 

So wonderful.

 My love for Betty goes way back, folks. I fell in love with that woman at the ripe age of 6 when I started watching her razor-sharp performance in Mary Tyler Moore on Nick-at-Nite (I was already an old cat lady at six years old, so you all can kiss my ass). She has been a consistent part of my audience-member life from Advise and Consent, Dennis the Menace, and Golden Girls,  all the way to Ugly Betty, 30 Rock, and her long-overdue appearance as a host on Saturday Night Live – making her the oldest person to ever host the show. I mean, really… they let douche bears like Dane Cook host the show before this sweet, legendary, hilarious old lady?  

NOTE: Dane Cook auditioned to be an SNL cast member, but lost to Will Forte – thank baby Jesus, because Mr. Cook is about as funny as my mailbox. Some other cool tidbits – Steve Carell lost to Will Ferrell, Geena Davis and Jim Carrey were (surprisingly) cut from their auditions, and Johnny Knoxville actually turned down the opportunity to become a cast member in ’95. Stupid move – no wonder they call him ‘Jackass’. 

Speaks for itself. Frat boy humor was never funny.

But let’s get back to Betty. Not only does Ms. White remind me of my own Grandmother (they are practically the same person, I kid you not), but she’s one of the only great, real classic celebrities left. Sure, we’ve still got some gems like Meryl Streep, Robin Williams, Clint Eastwood, and John Travolta, but this rare type of well-rounded, clean slate celebrity is a dying breed. The celebs we have now are damaged goods. We idolize total losers like Miley Cyrus, Paris Hilton, Heidi Pratt, and Lindsay Lohan – and for what reason? What have they done that’s so special besides lose their dignity, credibility, and virginity? The last few decent A-listers we had are now struggling to be taken seriously, because they’re either being dragged down by a bunch of lowlifes, or making really absurd decisions. Winona Ryder went off the deep end after her klepto craze, with Sandra Bullock not trailing too far behind after her husband cheated on her and tabloids ripped her a new one (sound familiar, Britney Spears?). Russel Crowe just got really fat and aggressive. Angelina Jolie, an old-time favorite of mine, suddenly became a ‘razzi whore after she adopted every single minority baby in the world ever. Need I say more? It’s just a whirlwind of famous people who can’t get their shit together, and the eye of the hell storm is probably somewhere near Mary-Kate Olsen’s place of residence. Let’s just all agree that the press destroys careers, reputations, and lives. Betty White is one of the last great, normal stars we have left – untouched by negative media, delightfully graceful, witty, talented, and legendary. I’m going to mail that woman some four-leaf clovers and vitamins or something, because she just simply has to live forever. 

One of the greats!

So, my comrades, consider this commentary to be symbolic for me raising my mimosa glass to Betty White. Thanks for being a friend. Also, if you ever need a body-guard, I’m looking for work and have the vicious fighting talent of a grizzly bear. Long live Betty! 




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