Your Mother Would Like It: Eskimo Mafia & Awkward Bra

Posted: May 31, 2010 in Commentary
Tags: , , , , , , , ,

First, let me start off by saying ANCHORAGE NOW HAS A TARGET, THANK BABY JESUS. I mean, as if we didn’t have everything else the rest of America has. No Sonic, no Chick-Fil-A, no Lane Bryant, no laser tag, no Chipotle (I know, seriously), no Pei Wei, no P.F. Chang’s, no Dillards, no theme parks, no Hollister (not that anyone gives a tit, because their clothes look ridiculous) – just name it and we probably don’t have one. We barely just got a Dairy Queen. Alaska gets all the leftovers from the commerical world, and all I’m thinking is, “Hey listen up, fuckers, we have a lot of your oil supply – so if we don’t get a goddamn Sonic up in here, we’re cutting you off.

 We really need to get all Eskimo Mafia on their asses, and scare them into tossing up a few Chiptole burritos. It’s like we survive off caribou meat and river water and wear moose-leather parkas. Give us something so we can be civilized! You know how I always make fun of the mountain people? I think I’m one of them.


But yeah. We have a Target, now. In other news, I suck at segues.

I went shopping at Target last week just to pick up a few groceries, and I stopped by their women’s undergarment section to browse for bras (my alliteration is sensual, I know). I found a few that I liked and threw them in the cart along with some Cheerios, green teabag boxes, pasta, and a few books that I’ll never read. The key is to appear intelligent, interesting, and literate – all of which I am clearly not.

Anyway, I get home and unload the groceries and go about my extravagant life of cocktail parties, sex romps, and press conferences – and then comes the day where I decide to wear one of the bras I bought. Let me tell you, folks – this bra was comfortable. It felt like my boobs were being held up by angels. Boob angels. It had two separate linings and the straps were kind of weird, but this miracle bra provided more overwhelming support than America did in Iraq (too soon?). There was something special about this bra, and I was proud to call it mine.


I had been wearing this peculiar, wonderful bra all day – ’twas a luxury, dear friends. I reached in to adjust one of the straps and heard a strange ‘click.’ Shortly thereafter, the outside lining fell down.

IT WAS A FUCKING MATERNITY BRA. Did I buy a bra that was meant for nursing mothers? Yes. Did the Target cashier think I was a pregnant 20 year old? Maybe. Because nobody is awkward enough to give an expecting woman a bra for her baby shower gift. Either way, I don’t feel horrified about it – it was an innocent mistake. I would have gone to return it, but due to my lack of transportation and my inability to give a shit, I kept the bra. It is still one of the most comfortable bras I own. Small-scale life victory? Quite.

So… that’s my dumb story. We have a Target! Also, Happy Memorial Day to everyone! May your day be filled with BBQ chicken, sunshine, and forced family contact. Hang those flags and support our troops! On that note, my dad accidentally put up our big American flag upside down and people drove very slowly by our house. He has since turned it right-side up. I love it when my family appears to be evil and anti-American!

America the Beautilol




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