Your Mother Would Like It: The Last of the Mohipsters.

Posted: May 28, 2010 in Commentary
Tags: , , , , , , ,

Skinny Jeans. Earthy tones clashed with neon brights. Torn leggings. Beaten-up messenger bags. Gaga-esque sunglasses. Beanies. V-necks. Hot ginko lemon spice tea, no sugar. Unnecessary metallics and glitter. Bands nobody has ever heard of. I present to you… the modern day hipster.

I also present to you… my boiling frustration with this new indie breed of stupid. Yes, this is a hateful, over-the-top rant. I make no apologies. Remorse is so mainstream. BELGIAN ROFLZ!

We run into each other at a local coffee shop (no surprise there) – but that doesn’t make me a hipster. The difference between Douchey McScene and myself is quite clear: I am here to enjoy my Foggy London tea and read the Anchorage Press while I wait to meet a friend. You, on the other hand, are hogging the table by the window with your acoustic guitar and tattered Hemingway novel, sucking on a ring pop. You incessantly slug around this place like it’s some holy homestead for your poetically tortured ass, because it aids your image as a starving hippie artist. You sit there purposefully by the window for inspiration while you strum your guitar and pretend to write shit down. And you use your expensive camera to take 87 pictures of the same crunchy leaf outside. Frankly, I am turned off. And I’d love to see if you can actually name five Ramones songs, as you wear their seal shirt that you ripped yourself. I bet you that pretty Hot Topic belt that you can’t. I also bet that you’re dying to have a cheeseburger, you dirty fake vegan.

That's one indie banana.

What’s that you say? You really like my screen t-shirt of two pixie haired women? It artistically speaks to the female struggle of being taken seriously in this cruel world? …does that even mean anything? I thought it was a picture of two little boys… but yeah, I mentally checked out of our conversation the minute I saw your dirty Salvation Army satchel and your Moleskine journal. You reek of coffee beans and greasy hair… but I’m sure that’s what you were going for. Stop name dropping. Stop pretending you have mental and emotional turmoil that is “too deep and detailed to explain.” And please, enough with the whole Christopher Columbus-esque horse shit. He didn’t discover America. He didn’t invent it. People already lived there and knew about it before his pompous ass floated ashore – Just as you didn’t discover electro-indie music, or meaningful films like “A Clockwork Orange” and “Waking Life.” You didn’t invent abstract photography.

http://www.hipsterhandbook.com/glossary.html

I know underneath all the strategically layered clothing, jewelry beaded by Hopi Indians, and the delusion – you really might be a decent human being. Your attempt at striving to be as different and individualistic as possible has landed you in an angry sea of thousands of other hipster lost souls, just like yourself. You aren’t fooling anyone. Everyone knows the ‘boho indie dork’ look is in now, according to every fashion magazine ever, and I also know that you went through your boy band obsession and pop-punk Good Charlotte stages as well. But let me point this out to you – YOU ARE WEARING A TRAFFIC VEST, TUBE SOCKS, OLD MAN READING GLASSES, A FLANNEL SKIRT, AND MOCASSINS. What the shit is that???

Nice facial hair. Razors too mainstream?

http://www.latfh.com  <—GET OFF MY PLANET.

I don’t mean to sound bitter and rude… but you’ve made me this way. Stop the madness. Stop the smeared eyeliner – it looked stupid on Amy Winehouse, it’ll look stupid on you. Stop talking about how profound and inspiring the music of ‘Bobosaurus Rex and the Violins’ is, because that band does not exist – I Googled it.

Hopefully a less douchey trend will show itself from behind the curtains very, very soon. Personally, I hope it’s Disney Characters or something along the lines of Monochrome. I am just really tired of feeling awkward around you and watching you sulk around thinking you’re “expressing yourself” when you’re really just expressing everyone else. But hey… in the mean time, let’s kick back, drink some pretentious Merlot, and smoke some Macedonian cigs while you strum me a Times New Viking tune on your vintage acoustic. It’ll be a grand time – just you, me, and the awkward unspoken agreement that I judge the air you breathe.

Also, this is hilarious: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-5mLuPJ0S8Q

Please evolve. Soon.

-Kendrus

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Comments
  1. Darcy says:

    Try pointing out every single stereotype of some other sector of society – black people for example – and see what reaction you get.

    From what I can see, the only difference between yourself and a “hipster”, is that you call other people “hipsters” anonymously on a blog where they can’t read it, hear it, or even care what you say, in some sort of vain attempt to alienate yourself from the label of “hipster”. Perhaps only attempting to reassure yourself that you are, in fact, not one of those aspiring writers/artists who likes coffee and meeting friends at coffee shops and reading books that are actually good.

  2. Mandy says:

    I was reading this and thinking, PLEASE tell me she knows about Look At That Fucking Hipster. Good thing you do. Excellent review. I am now once again deeply ashamed of how I was forced into an American Apparel to buy a few v-necks (I just wanted a solid color t for summer that isn’t as hipster as fucking Top Shop, ok??)

  3. kdoshier says:

    Thank you Mandy. And I saw Look At That Fucking Hipster and just about died laughing – shit is good. I don’t really mind American Apparel, but I think the image they sell (along with Urban Outfitters) is totally bogus. Thanks for commenting!

    Darcy, I actually liked your comment, believe it or not. It put a smile on my face that despite your disgust and outrage, you still read it. I just want to point out that hipsters do not and will not ever equate with what I could say about black people, or gays, or Mexicans, what have you. I don’t know if you’ve noticed, but Hipster is not a race or an inherent part of someone’s biology. It’s just a modified version of that Emo phase, or the Indie “I only wear earth colors and listen to Death Cab” phase, or the Avril Lavigne phase – which I find to all be very ridiculous. Did I go through it? Not quite, but damn was Avril awesome at the time. I’m glad I could brighten your day! I hope you find a good drink to soothe your rage. In all seriousness, thanks for commenting!

  4. Mimzy says:

    An excellent social commentary. I have to agree with the points you made (even in the comments section, AWESOME!). It’s like in the bible with the Pharisees. Jesus kept getting frustrated with them because they basically did everything to show off and show how holy they were when they were basically missing the whole point of worship. Hipsters seem to go out of their way for attention without really seeming to enjoy what they’re wearing or what they’re doing. Like the name dropping of bands. They listen to them because it has been predetermined by others that they are a good band, but these people don’t really enjoy what they’re hearing, they listen because it’s some strange status thing. How sad! I think Darcy pointed out the trend of hipsters reading classic literature. This is excellent, maybe with the exposure of these great literary minds (provided these people actually read what they’re toting around) hipsters will be encouraged to find their own identities and figure out what they really love and enjoy.

  5. Mimzy says:

    Also Kendra, did you know that Hipsters have made Pabst Blue Ribbon so popular in their effort to “support a small brewery” that Pabst Blue Ribbon was recently sold to a large corporation? What will they drink now?

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