May 2010, here are a few things that are sad but true about you. I have slowly come to learn these things, and it has changed the way I think about you. Don’t get your feelings all hurt. June will take your place pretty soon. And I’m sure I’ll have a bone to pick with June, too. Here’s to what you have taught me, dear friend.

1. It is nearly impossible to find a good summer job unless you inquire months in advance. All I hear now is bitching from my friends about how the only available jobs are at McDonald’s (the one all the way across town, naturally), or the dark, shadowy hooker alley downtown. Personally, McDonald’s is beneath me. I know where my application is going, along with my morals.

2. A woman will never win American Idol ever again. Really. Just never. In other news, Lee DeWyze is a very deceiving name, as I was expecting some slow jamz. Just another decent looking white boy who can strum a guitar and shout on key. We already have Chris Daughtry and David Cook. This show needs to stop producing mini-Chad Kroegers. I want Nickelback to be as dead as Paula Abdul’s facial nerve-endings.

3. I’ve got a couple bones to pick with Glee.

-Glee writers have really been putting on their desperate shoes lately. Not only are some old, “didn’t we settle this last episode?” conflicts dragged out again, but they tease us with these popular genres that are really only granted a couple songs in the episode. They got us excited for Kristen Chenoweth’s return, and gave us a bunch of annoying piano jazz ballads, along with an excruciating group sing-along to sappy, self-pitying X-Tina song, “Beautiful”. As if it weren’t obvious enough that ‘cheerio’ Mercedes was the elephant in the room (woops), they had to cake on the melodrama by having the entire school sway around singing in unison about how it’s okay to be fat cheerleader. Kind of. Might as well have thrown in a slow clap.

-I was more excited for the Lady Gaga episode than I’ve been excited for most of my childhood Christmases. I wore red sparkly gloves for that shit. It was a big deal at the time. Glee day finally arrives, and I am being fed scraps by creator Ryan Murphy himself. The girls (plus token gay) crank out an awesome version of “Bad Romance” that made me practically piddle all over myself. This was the exact moment when I wanted to jump through the TV screen and steal Gagarific Santana away for myself. She sang that solo like her life depended on it, and it was HOT. I assumed there would be more Gaga songs, alas I was wrong. “Speechless” played very lightly on the radio while Finn gave Kurt a verbal beating for being too much of a Queen, which I found both violently disappointing and delightfully ironic. Then we see the most awkward mother/daughter moment in history as Lea and Idina sing the sultry acoustic version of “Poker Face.” It was very well performed, and it’s a great song and everything… but I never want to see a mother and daughter singing to each other about bluffin’ with their muffins. That shit was not cute. It was mildly disturbing and left me with a weird taste in my mouth. And the rest of the songs in this supposed “Gaga Episode”? Stupid, nonsensical Barbara Streisand song performed by Idina Menzel for no reason, and then we have Puck singing some song I’ve never heard before in Backstreet Boy style with the Glee guys. He uses said song to request a name for Quin’s baby… BETH. Of all names ever? I’m not even going to elaborate on that. You already know what I’m going to say. But I will say this: Thanks a lot, Puck. That could have been “Alejandro,” but it wasn’t.

4. Remind me again why we give a shit about “Gossip Girl“?

5. The Kempton Hills Garage Sale was more than I could handle. I didn’t get any sleep, I was lugging heavy furniture all day, and I was surrounded by fannypack-wearing soccer moms and old faces I’d rather not become reacquainted with. Overall, we sold all our stuff and it was a monetary success, but SO not worth all the work. I want my Saturday morning back.

6. The famous Grey’s Anatomy season finale not only raised my blood pressure to an alarming number, but it also left me cold and addicted, desperately clinging to every past episode on Lifetime. Even though there was more blood and intensity than I could handle, and I didn’t particularly enjoy seeing people get their brains blown out… but that was an awesome season finale. Talk about ‘going out with a bang’… too soon? Sorry. Grey’s is just an excellently written show, and the acting is equally as fantastic. Granted, I may or may not have been initially lured in by the sapphic love story between Callie and Arizona, but I got pretty attached to all of the characters. As a screenwriter and filmmaker, that is a really huge deal to have that kind of impact on an audience, and I wish I could do that someday. So… Kudos! I didn’t start watching (obsessing over) the show until this season, and now I am overwhelmed with old characters who are actually new faces to me. It’s amazing how many people can be “fired” or killed off in a television series. Don’t even get me started on LOST. Fuck you, May 2010 for taking that away from me.

7. I drink obscene amounts of Sweet Leaf Tea. We don’t sell that brand up here in Alaska, and all the other cheap tea sucks. That means I’m going through withdrawals. I hate you.


You tell 'em, Huskypenguin.

  1. Mandy says:

    I agree with every single one of the above comments. When Lea and Idina started singing Poker Face I actually hit pause and seriously considered if I should keep watching. And yes, I even wanted to steal Santana. Bitch was HOT.

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